the failed miracle

Writing this post is extremely hard for me.  It's a harsh realization of what i've known for months and although i've spent the past 3 weeks or so distancing myself from "her" and the entire situation, I've yet to actually come to terms enough to put into writing my acceptance of the reality of this failed miracle.  

I'm not sure where to start except to give some basic background information.  Back in February of 2012 DJ's transfer was denied.  He and I discussed this and he was adamant that I do whatever necessary to help facilitate his transfer.  I was determined to do so as i knew how much more tolerable the remainder of his time would be if he could just get transferred.  Being new to this whole prison wife lifestyle I was very naive yet my motivation was simple...i love DJ and anything I can do to help make him more comfortable until he is home is just what I have to do.  I have failed him in so many other ways I was determined not to fail at this too.  

So I set out to write letters, make phone calls and beg and plead with anyone who would have a sympathetic ear.  All I wanted was to see if someone in some sort of power position could help to get him transferred.  I was sitting at work one day looking up addresses for some contacts when i was asked by "her" what i was doing.  She was a guest who was staying at the hotel i was working at.  She had been there for a few months and had become quite friendly with all of us.  She was like a mother hen to us.  She seemed to genuinely care about us and she and i especially hit it off and had become "friends".  We talked alot and she'd take me to dinner and just spent alot of time with me. She was aware of DJ's circumstances but we never really talked about it much.  So when she asked me what i was doing and i told her she said she might know of someone who could help and i should let her contact this person to see if they could.  She had 20 years of experience in the legal field and was talking about going to work at this person's law firm and had even asked me to be her legal secretary when she decided to start working again.  I gladly accepted her offer to reach out to whoever her contacts might be.  In no way do I regret trying any of this as if I hadn't, that i would regret.  I would not have been able to live with myself had I let this opportunity slip through my fingers.  What I do regret is letting it carry on for as long as it did and being so blind and foolish to continue without any sort of results or proof when I was having so many doubts about the entire situation.

So, without going into every last detail as there are far too many to remember; too many excuses and delays and "reasons"; I will say that I lost my job, my car, at least $30k and more emotional and mental anguish than i can put a price tag on.  

Over the past months my transfer request was promised to be official after it was paid for.  I gladly paid what I thought was to be just a few thousand to help make him more comfortable.  Then it snowballed.  One offer after another was made, each with it's own price tag.  I continued to pay the price because the promises that were made would truly have been a miracle had they happened.  You see, the promises made involved not only getting him transferred but released AND getting him off the registry.  Once someone is placed on the registry, it is nearly impossible to be removed.  I struggled with this at first because making this happen was all under the table.  The very thing I hate about how corrupt and unjust our system is, is the very thing I was doing.  I rationalized that I was paying for a service and had it worked DJ would have his life back.  And he deserves it.  He doesn't deserve to wear this scarlet letter for life.  He doesn't deserve to have to live out his life hiding and looking over his shoulder.  Our children and I certainly don't deserve to live the life of a family of an RSO.  

I was so desperate to get him his life back.  I was being promised that's exactly what would happen.  All I had to do was keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone and pay the money.  I was warned repeatedly to keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone what was happening.  I could have done that had I been the one to be forking over the money.  Unfortunately I didn't have the kind of cash needed to pull this off.  I've gone into major debt with my "mother in law"  and his best friend and countless others.  I owed them explinations as they were the ones providing a ton of money and it was their right to know what the money was being used for.  They gladly wanted to help since this was supposed to help DJ but now that it's all blown up in my face, I owe them a ton of money and I've caused them the heartache of knowing he's not coming home and this isn't all just going to go away as promised.  I guess I learned the hard way about that saying "if it seems to good to be true, it probably is".  

After months of empty promises and excuses I've come to accept the reality that this is never going to happen and I've lost all the money.  I am not convinced I was "scammed" so much as this "friend" is either batshit crazy or she just couldn't pull off what she thought she could.  Bottom line is I believed her blindly and I allowed her to have complete control of my life.  I left a full time job because she was going to put me to work and told me countless times that DJ was going to be home and she wanted us to have some time to spend together.  I lost my car because I could no longer pay for it since I had no job and even though she said she was going to provide me with a car, that has never happened either.  Not a single thing she has promised has happened and her dragging me off all across the country, causing me to lose focus on school and work and DJ himself, almost tore us apart.  I almost lost him because of her.

I've been so hesitant to breathe a word of this because a part of me kept hoping it was real.  The tiniest chance it was real was worth my mental anguish to keep on hoping.  A part of me was scared to say anything either because if any of this was real, there are people involved that would not want to be exposed. The corruption runs deep.  Having gone through this has been an eye opening experience as to just how greedy and corrupt our system and the people who run it are.  There is so much greed and corruption it's literally sickening.  I would love to tell the story to someone who could actually help me to prevent her from doing this to anyone else.  I really don't know where to turn.  I'm torn because a part of me wants to just move on and forget she even exists but another part of me wants her to be held accountable for her actions and stopped from doing this to others.  I know I'll never see the money back but I don't want to see others go through this.  And I get so confused because I no longer initiate contact with her but she still contacts me. Why?  I've basically told her I'm moving on, I know this "miracle" isn't going to happen, I expect the money is gone but am requesting it back anyway.  Now that she knows I no longer believe her crap, why doesn't she just disappear?  It's always one excuse after another.  Yesterday I blocked her from facebook but i have not blocked her from my phone yet.  I planned to but just haven't yet.  Maybe I'll get to that point one day. 

I still believe in miracles but i am struggling with believing in mankind and anyone having any compassion left. I've met so many wonderful people throughout my prison wife experience and they are what keeps me going but i have very little faith in humankind anymore.  It seems society in general no longer shows compassion for its fellow human beings.  It saddens me greatly because I don't wish this life on anyone but there are those out there who do and that is just awful.  We are supposed to love one another and do unto others as we'd have done unto ourselves.  It's a sad world we live in today.  

I welcome any questions or comments.  I would love for someone to prove me wrong that there are good politicians out there.  That people do still care about each other.  I know some do as i've seen it within my groups of activists and support groups but we are a small number.  I would love to know if anyone has ever actually accomplished a "miracle" of their own and i understand if you need to remain annonymous, I'm just curious if it's ever been accomplished.