Will I ever be able to accept this situation? That is the question I've been asking myself since Thursday. Last Wednesday we had our normal weekly visit but for some reason it was more emotionally draining than usual. I went home Wednesday night and actually got to fall asleep with him like old times. He had called and although it wasn't quite the same, it was comforting to have him on the phone while I tried to fall asleep. I woke Thursday morning with an overwhelming feeling of grief. I needed to see him. I hesitated because I knew going again would mean I'd have to skip a week somewhere but by 10am I had made up my mind I could still get there and spend at least 5-1/2 hours with him so off I went. He was surprised and scared to see me as he was worried something was wrong. Truth is, there is something wrong. I'm not coping well these days and I can't accept that he's gone.
He tried so hard and is so supportive to get me to realize that I have to accept this. I have to find a way to focus all this negative energy on doing what needs to be done to accomplish my goals so that in just over 18 months I can bring him home to me. I know all of this in my head. I can understand all of this. What I am having a problem with is accepting this situation and focusing that energy. Every time I try, I fail. I somehow always end up right back in this stage of not coping. I get sad and depressed and occassionally mad. Not at him although he thinks I should be.
I think that's the problem. I'm afraid if I accept this situation for what it is I will go through the stage of being angry with him and that's not something I want to do. Logically I understand this is partially his fault. He knew the rules and the fact that those restrictions were not legally to be placed on him, they were. Instead of fighting the restrictions, he ignored the one that ultimately got him sent back.. Yes I'm angry but not at him. I'm angry at the system because the very restriction that caused him to be violated is the one that should not have been placed on him to start with. I'm not angry with him. I know part of me thinks I should be. He thinks I should be. I'm not! I'm angry with myself for enabling him. I also knew the restrictions and even though I didn't completely understand them, I did my best to deal with them. I did however enable him. I should have nagged him more about it. I should have insisted we follow every rule and fight the ones that were wrong. I should have listened to him when he tried to talk to me about the what ifs. I didn't though. I had my head in smurfland and refused to let myself believe this could ever happen. Well now it has and I can't seem to accept it.
Then I start asking myself do I have to accept it? Why can't I just stay in smurfland and get through each day until he comes home? What good will accepting this do? It won't change anything! It won't bring him home sooner. It won't undo the damage done. And with every cloud is a silver lining. I know what the silver lining is in this situation. It has allowed us, no forced us to become stronger and unbreakable. We have communicated everything to each other and we continue that. We've had the time to get to know each other better than most couples who just jump into a relationship. Yes, we've been serious from day one. I had only known him for about 3 days when he told me he loved me. We had only spoken on the phone or texted or emailed. We had only known each other a week or so when we finally met face to face but I will always treasure the memory of that day. I walked up to his door, he said "hi baby", kissed me and it was all over. I was putty in his hands and nothing had ever felt more real and natural and right. We got really serious really fast and even decided way back then to get married. Back then we knew we couldn't make it happen while he was on parole but now we have the opportunity to make it happen. I will marry that man even on the inside. I can't wait to be his wife.
I just really don't know if I can accept this and if I do what's the point? I think for now I'm better off just going through the motions of daily life and doing what's necessary to reach my financial goals so I can bring him home to ME!! I see no point in "accepting" this and going through a range of emotions that I quite honestly don't feel I'm mentally or emotionally capable of going through right now. Most days I feel like breaking. It wouldn't take much for me to completely snap. I hate that feeling but until he's home with me, I'm not going to lose that feeling.
He's such an amazing man and I've never known anyone like him. He treats me like a queen and his love for me is deep, true, and everlasting. I know this even though my insecurities rare their ugly head. I think I just need to focus on him and his love and devotion to me and mine for him. Everything else will find a way to work itself out.
When will I accept this? Probably never. But come 9/9/13 I won't have to because he'll be home with me where he belongs and no matter what obstacles we face ahead, we face them together.
I love you DJ!!! I'm right here standing beside you always! Thank you for loving me and saving me! Yo te quiero mucho mi eposo!! Siempre y para siempre mi amore!