Lockdown

Hmmmm, Lockdown.  I should have been prepared for this.  I've known all along this was a possibility but as usual, I live in smurfland.  I've been a prison wife for almost 9 months but I'm still fairly new to this.  I've been in denial for the last 9 months and most days I prefer to stay in denial.  I much prefer smurfland over the reality of my current life.  DJ had tried to warn me about this happening but I didn't listen.  Not really.  I knew it could and would happen but I was stubborn and didn't want to think it would really happen.

I last spoke with him on Monday morning and he told me he was going to be strong and not call and he'd see me Wednesday morning bright and early for our visit.  As much as I hated that, I am grateful he has the strength to not call.  Although to be quite honest, I was expecting him to be weak and call anyway as that is how things have been going.  I'm ok with that.  Actually, I prefer he continues to call.  I will find a way to pay for those calls.  So Monday night rolled around with no call but I wasn't worried.  He told me he was going to try not to.  Tuesday rolled around with no noon call and then Tuesday night still no call.  Honestly, I was frustrated because I wanted to talk to him but I also wasn't panicked as he had warned me he would try not to call.

I woke up Wednesday morning and got all ready for my visit.  I was putting my shoes on and getting ready to walk out the door when I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't describe.  He always preaches to me to verify they aren't on lockdown before driving up there but I never do.  The only time we've ever had a visit interrupted was when I used to visit on Tuesday's and we weren't aware the parole board met and caused visits to be delayed till noon or after.  Anyway, I've never really bothered to call and check the lockdown status.  We're lucky his facility doesn't usually go on lockdown and if they do, it's localized to a certain "house" and very short lived.  At any rate, I had this overwhelming feeling so I checked the website and what do I see?  His facility is on level one lockdown.  That's the highest level there is.  So I immediately call the facility and sure enough, lockdown totally and no visits allowed.  Devestated I kicked my shoes off, crawled back in bed and cried myself back to sleep for a few hours.

I woke up later still devestated and while Peachy did her best to distract me, I was really at a breaking point. I enjoyed my time with her as the weather was beautiful and we went to the zoo and walked around and had pizza on The Hill but inside I was dying.  I should have been spending the day with him and he should not even be there.  He should have been spending the day with us.  Anyway, we get home and still no call and the website still shows Lockdown.  I'm going crazy worrying about why and how long and if he's ok.  I also know he's freaking out worrying about me and how I reacted to not being able to visit.

I manage to sleep last night but had horrible nightmares.  Actually woke up in a cold sweat and almost screaming from them.  Worried sick about if he's ok and what happened.  I know I shouldn't let my imagination run wild but I don't know how to stop it.  So I get up this morning and call right away and they are still on lockdown but allowing 2 hour visits.  Now I'm torn about whether to go for 2 hours or wait and go both Wed and Thurs next week.  I can do that because Thurs starts the new month and I was planning on going then anyway but I really needed to know he was ok and for him to know i was ok.  I'm not really ok but I will not be ok until he comes home.  Until 9/9/13 I'm not going to be ok.

Anyone who knows me knows there was no way I was waiting till next week, I was going today come hell or high water.  I don't like regrets and never regret a single moment spent with him but I must also admit I always want more.  I want my cake and eat it too.  Well, I can't have that.  I went to my visit today and while he was understanding and glad to see me, he said he thought I'd just wait till next week.  This is when I told him that although I knew the possibility of this, I was very much in denial.  I asked him to tell me any possbile scenario of what could happen and other than a lockdown, there really isn't much.  That is until I admit how scared I am of something really bad happening to him and he then informs me that he has given his celly his phone pin number and my phone number and instructions to call me if anything should happen.  WTF??????  I was shocked!  I know DJ is a planner and likes to have "insurance" so he never has to use it.  At least that's how he explained it.  I don't care that his celly has my info, I'm glad he does but I swear if I ever get that call,..............  I can't even go there!!!!

I've been really whiny lately and I can't thank everyone enough for their continued love and support.  I can't promise I'll be much better anytime soon because quite honestly until he comes home I'll be miserable.  But I appreciate all of your love and support and ask that you pray this lockdown doesn't last long and that DJ's transfer is approved and happens quickly.  If  he transfers I'll feel much better about his environment and not fear quite as much for his safety.  Please send out the prayers for a quick transfer and also that I can find the strength to continue doing all that I am and then some.  I have to find a way to make more money so I can reach my financial goals to bring him home to me.  Just over 18 months to go and while that seems like an eternity to me, it's not all that long to be able to get my financial house in order.

DJ, I love you!!!!  More than words can ever express and I'm always right here beside you, unconditionally and unwavering.  You are the light of my life and the part of me that makes me feel complete.  Yo te quiero siempre y para siempre mi amore!